Last night my fiance commented on the fact that it had been a while since my ex (stalker) hadn’t contacted me in a while. He made the comment like, “Gee, hasn’t it been nice we have heard from EX in a while?” (not his exact words) but totally happy, like maybe the stalker had moved on……..
Except HE hadn’t, I just hadn’t felt the need to mention that HE has been texting me (which I ignore) calls me at least once a week and leaves begging voicemails, and still stalks me around my small town via stores. Which my very freindly (ok, nosy) store owners are more then happy to report to me.
OH! Background on this ex (who I think from here on out I will call Stalker) and how we became ex’s, cause that is important. Stalker is the first abuser I can remember, he was a middle aged man my mother suggested I ask to learn how to rope from (as in, team roping, rodeo, horses, horse crazy young girl……) so at the fun age of 12, I approached him and offered to work around his stable in exchange for essentially riding lessons. Cue fanfare, Boy did he teach me how to ride! Ha! Ok, not making light of the fact that he was my “boss” and took repeated advantage of me. Or that my mom believed I was lying. I’m just not mentally in a way where I can be serious about it or go into details today. Long story short, details another day, we had sex a lot, it hurt, I begged him not to, he assured me he loved me and thats what people in love did. I wanted to be loved, I was good enough to be loved, right? Yeah, that worked out really well.
So back to original story here, Fiance is all happy that Stalker hasn’t bothered me. Until I mumble under my breath that I have been hearing from him. Sigh. Not that my fiance is angry or anything, actually he was very supportive, “Oh, I’m sorry sweety, I assumed since you hadn’t said anything that he was leaving you alone! Is he doing anything you need help dealing with?” I explain that no, I didn’t need help at this point and exactly what I had been hearing from him.
And my fiance asks the question that nags at me endlessly “Why is he so infatuated with you? Can’t he take a hint?” Because it’s been like, I dunno, five years since I have actually spoken with Stalker. Yeah, I would have moved on…….
Oh, and then after making that statement, my poor fiance recognizes that my face has fallen and I’m feeling crushed, and thinks it’s because of how he worded his statement, poor guy! He starts in about how amazing I am and worthy of someone being infatuated with me….. lol! I told him I was ok, he said nothing wrong, and try to go about the night like normal.
But it’s not, I am crushed, I’m not sure why! Because what IS WRONG WITH ME that some guy from a relationship he ended over 10yrs ago, who last time I spoke with involved me threatening him with bodily harm and police intervention, still tries to contact me? What is so screwed up with me to make someone like this think I’m EVER EVER going to have him in my life? After FIVE YEARS of no contact, why do I still get text messages inviting me to diner? Because this stalker makes me think there is something wrong with me, I am crushed.
Because I feel so STUPID for falling for him, ever. I mean, who sleeps with a guy for six years, endures forms of sexual play that border on torture (not putting down honest kink play, but big difference between consenting adults agreeing to it, vs what we did) just because? I don’t ever remember him threatening me or anything, I do remember when we first started. I do remember when it started to seem “wrong” because he liked choking me, I thought he might kill me because I did black out, and he did slap me or resuscitate me, so I told my mom. I remember how she crushed me, telling me it was all my fault, I was getting what I deserved. And I remember not long after that I realized that the only person who was going to help me out of this hell hole was me. So I started setting boundaries and making rules. Time limits on how long he could play, because I couldn’t be too sore to work when we got done. How bad the bruising/marks could be, and where they could be located. Which he agreed to, because as I pointed out, girls with large hand prints around their necks in varied stages of healing get removed by CPS, and it’d be awful hard to get to see me there……….
And then I got set up to feel really stupid, because he saw I was getting strong, he saw I was finding what I needed to leave (I think he did) and then he changed. And then he loved me, he loved me for a bulk of reasons men list when they are hoping to get laid. He promised me things. HE took me on trips, he gave me presents. He promised me when I turned 18 he would leave his girlfriend (who he frequently spilled his guts about to me) and we would run off to his families ranch. And because I had been to his ranch many times, because I had met his family, because I loved them, I loved his ranch, I loved this idea, I stayed another few years. HE sold me a dream, a perfect dream, of love I needed, a family I craved, of being barefoot and pregnant and raising my babies on a ranch. It’s a dream I’d still damn near sell my soul to fufill.
Sidenote- I’m fufilling about 95% of that dream, but I built it on my own, I worked darned hard for every inch of it. And no man “gave” me crap. Except the sperm for my kid, but I paid for that in my own way too……
And so I stayed with the stalker. I cried in pain on his lap after we had sex, while he rubbed my hair and filled my head with the promise of love because I let him, of a future together I was earning everytime we did this together. Until I turned 18, and at that time, to maintain a level of normalcy (read, secrecy) for Stalkers behalf, I had a boyfriend. And so very shortly after my 18th birthday, I was meeting Stalker to celebrate, and then came the ultimate stupid, crushing, innocence killing, OMG how could I have been so dumb moment of my life. It was even worse then the day I told my Mom my boss was choking me and actually thought she might help.
I asked him when we were leaving. The look of confusion on his face is a look I will never forget. But I thought hey, we’ve been together so long, maybe this being my 18th birthday hasn’t sunk in! Right? So I made a statement, “I’m ready, I can leave “boyfriend” whenever, and I understand you have a lot more affairs to settle and people to talk to before we move forward, so all I’m asking for is for you to let me know when. When you are ready to leave “HER” and when we need to move, I will be ready.” Oh, there was that look again, stupid confusion.
Thats when it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Right in the chest, the heart crushing recognition of how STUPID I truly was. HE never meant any of it. Not one bit. I mean, maybe, in that fleeting, after orgasmic moment he loved the hot sex, but now? Leave anything for me? Nooooooo waaaayyyyy.
But just to make sure my soul crushing was complete, he put it into words. Carefully said words, enamored with care and apology, said as one would tell a young child their vacation is cancelled. “I’m so sorry, I can’t leave everything I have and have built with “HER” to try and start over with you. I am not young enough to do that, and you are too young to know for sure that this type of life is truly what you want, it is hard to be a ranchers wife. But I would like if we could continue to be friends and keep things the way they are?”
Yeah, go ahead, rip my heart out, make me face my ignorance and stupidity, pull the silver spoon of hope from my mouth, and ask to keep screwing me? HAHAHAHA! Please, we weren’t friends, I was your therapist, you punching/choking/biting, cum-dumpster (to quote you) and you haven’t a clue about me, my life or what that dream you sold me meant, or anything.
Right in that moment, that paragraph, he pulled out every single hope I had. And I did not care about much of anything then, and thus came a very dark time. Which I attribute my survival of to my sister, who was removed from my care not but a week after Stalkers rejection, but I knew she’d know if I left the world, and then who would watch out for her?
And it wasn’t so much that I loved him, I can see that now, but I loved the dream he was selling. And then, more then ever, I needed a dream. Right then, I had been moved out of my parents for 2 years, I had my little sister (3, almost 4yrs old then) living with me. I was broke, struggling to work two jobs and finish highschool, raising a child not mine (but who I loved anyways) screwing two older men, one to make things seem “normal” and one because he was going to rescue me from this all. For the price of some pain, sexual kink, and tolerating his whims, he’d save me. Right? Right? HE said he would, he promised…….
Because I’d set all my eggs in that basket, because I was stupid enough to trust him. That crushes me.
I have no idea why still to this day, he keeps track of me, he stalks me, he tries to contact me. I took all his power, and all his joy in me over the years. I found every button he had to push so he doesn’t even like sex with me anymore, I became “broken” so he wouldn’t want me.
But it still hurts, it hurts to think about, it hurts to see him, it hurts to know what I did. Because I am ashamed of what I let him do to me. I am ashamed not because we had sex, I am not ashamed anymore (I was at one time) that he took advantage of me to start with. I see now how that is Stalkers failing, his lack of control. No, now I am ashamed because even when I saw how wrong it was, even when I got strong enough to reach for help, even when I found the strength to end us I didn’t. I truly thought I could “trade” my way out of hell. I could save myself and my sister. That hurts. I am ashamed of that. I am ashamed I didn’t see better the truth of things.
Worse of all, thinking of all this stuff, remembering what once was, brings to me so many questions I can find no answers to. No amount of therapy has helped me find those answers either! Like why didn’t he ever have to threaten me? Because that is how most adult child predators gain control, they threaten or bribe. I was 12 when he started having sex with me, why did I require no “grooming”?
Why couldn’t I speak about it? We were taught in school about “stranger danger” and such crap. From moment one, I knew he was in the wrong, I knew I was scared, I knew I didn’t want to. But I couldn’t for the life of me (or not until my life was threatened) could I speak up? Why on this did I have no voice?
What did I do to make it my fault? Why did my mother react that way? I knew she would, so why did I tell her? How did I know she wouldn’t help? Why didn’t I trust my gut and tell anyone else, a stranger in the supermarket?
Oh, well, I can answer that one, my mother would have KILLED ME if I had aired that juicy piece of family gossip anywhere ever. I mean that truly, she would have drug me into the hall bathroom by my ear like she always did with her lil bat in hand, only for that, I never would have come back out.
There is another question! Why did my mother have a BAT to spank with, and how on earth did I think that was normal?
Is my mother the reason I required no grooming? I was already groomed to take pain, abuse, and verbal abuse, she already taught me no one could ever know or it would be much worse. Did my mother make me this way? Or was it my uncle, who was accused of abusing my cousins?
What did I do to deserve such a screwed up family? LOL!
Why, WHY! Does this Stalker still stalk me? Why have I kept his attention? I’m out of his normal age range! Is it because I have tracked him? I’m much more subtle though, I use hired people, and favors from policemen, because I missed my chance to press charges, but I can ensure I’m his last little girl.
But why hasn’t he tried? Why did he get “stuck” on me? What is wrong with me?
Perhaps someday I will learn these answers. Perhaps I will just not care, that would work too! However, having written them, I feel much better already. Audios until the next disturbance in my mind and life!
i Survived too....... 